Your "favorite daughter" Misses You

Today marks one year since my Dad passed away. It is so hard to believe because it does not seem like 12 months have passed with out him.  But days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. No matter how sad or sick we feel, the world keeps turning and celebrations happen. 

I have felt loss in my life. I lost pets and relatives. I had lost all of my grandparents by the age of 23. The loss of my Dad at the age of 39 was something I was not and could never prepare for. 

When with my Dad I was his little girl, his only girl, thus he called me his "favorite daughter".   It was our little joke and I have to admit as silly as it sounds it made me feel special. As I grew older I discovered my Dad and I were alot alike and when struggling with understanding myself and others he had a quiet way of guiding me.  No matter how old I got I still saw my Dad as that man with all of the answers. He was the mountain that our valley was built around. Even as a married Mom of two boys, my Dad allowed me to be the starry eyed girl full of dreams. When he got sick and when the doctors said his days were numbered this little girl didn't know what to do. So she did what she could to make her Dad comfortable and reminded him of how much he was loved. But the day came for him to leave. 

And it has not been the same since.

Standing in the shadow of the little girl that used to be

Stood the sad woman that now was

The father who called her “his favorite daughter” had gone away

She could not call him

She could not hug him

She could not see him for a long time

Who was she now

With him gone to that other place

So far away

Yet right over there

The little girl ran after her father

And slipped deep down into the darkness of the earth

Where the finished things go to turn back into dust

It was time for the sad woman to turn her face upward

Into the daylight

Little girl days are spent

Womanly days are now

Take the love he showed you

Take the lessons he taught you

Take the stories he told you

Take the songs he sang to you

 And share them with your little boys before they grow to men.

LB 2-13-2011

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day, either you buy into it or you don't. I am a romantic so I have always loved the cupids flying around with those harmless bow and arrows. Until, ouch, get hut a few times unexpectedly and you see how tough the loving thing can be. 
My Father owned a Drug store so he always got the most amazing selection of heart shaped boxes of chocolates and lacey greetings cards. He would pick the prettiest ones for his Mother and his Wife. I remember being a young girl and seeing those pretty velvety hearts in shades of pinks and reds. I wanted someone special someday to buy me a heart. 
As I have grown I realize I do not need the fuzzy box of chocolate to feel special one day a year. The push for men to express their love with material gifts is a bit too much. I speak for myself but I want a gift out of love not guilt from commercials.  I feel lucky to have a love to call my own every day of the year but I feel especially sad for those who have loved and lost on this day for lovers. My heart aches for them. Whether they are going through a difficult break up, separation, divorce or have lost their mates to illness. 

My sweet husband made me this heart from a newspaper bag "just because".
Not the hearts my little girl mind dreamed of
but it was romantic just the same.

Happy Valentine’s Day 
Innocent love
Holding hands in the movies
Staring at the stars
Long goodbyes in the car
Study dates in the library
Remember these days

We knew we were forever
Late movies that never ended
1am drives home on Goldenrod 
cooing pigeons singing us love songs over the window ledge

Sundays in bed
Wondering what to do with the day
Late lunch and tv
Napping and loving
Was is that easy to be in love

Fulfilling our dream of family
Love wrapped in a lil baby blanket
Your lips and my eyes
We made amazing things together twice.

Days go by so quickly
Kids growing before our eyes
One is as tall as us now
How did it happen?
A kiss in the morn and a kiss at night

Aging love
Forever love
Wisened love
Sitting next to each other
Holding hands
We will remember all of these days
Together.
LB 2-14-2011

I am "The Mommy"

Raising a child with Autism brings many challenges to the parents.  My son was slow to speak and communication can still be a major hurdle. We are beginning to learn so much more about who he is through our transactions with him. He is funny, smart, caring, creative and in love with the alphabet. Such an interesting fixation for a child that did not talk.   

As his Mommy, there have been moments of sadness. We want so much for our children. We want them to be happy and to have an easy road ahead. Life has not been easy. Communication is what connects us to each other. For a while I felt disconnected to my son. I feel torn as I type this because it is a hard thing to put into black and white print for all to read. I felt such frustration at his silent looks and his blank stares to my persistent questions. What was going on inside his head? Who was I to him? What did he want from me? What did he need from me? What I chose to do was learn as much as I possible could and get him the therapy that he needed. 

 I can remember the day that he called me, "the Mommy". I was in tears because he acknowledged me and titled me.  Parents of Neurotypical children would wonder what the big deal is but he finally connected with me. he reached out and gave me a name.  I wanted to be the Mommy for such a long time and I was so proud that day. 

I am your Mommy

You are my son

The bond goes deeper than words

                          Deeper than blood

                           Deep deep deep

I am your teacher

You are my teacher

We learn so much from each other

                        How to be

                        How to feel

                        How to love others

I am your safe place

You are my soul’s gift

I will protect you always

And you will live on as part of me

                        I keep you safe

                        You have saved me

                        You will always be part of me.

I know who you are

You know me

We are beginning to see what lies

In the future for both of us

                        You are Cade

                        I am Laurie

                        What will we become

                        Together we are

                        Separate we will be

                        What?

I am discovering a new world

You are sharing your world

The world is so full of promise

                        So much to explore

                        So much to learn

                        So much to communicate

                       

I am me

You are you

And we are amazing

LBarone Feb. 1^st  2011

My son is almost four and my oldest almost 12 and we have a long way to go.  I have faith that we will continue to be guided in the right direction. As his Mommy, I will do my best to advocate for him.  The title Mommy is one I do not take lightly for either of my boys. They are a part of me and I understand the protective Mama bear with her cubs. I have those instincts as well. I will shield them and provide them with the protective gear that they need to go out into this world and advocate for themselves and others.