Wear your sadness like a sweater...............warning this is SAD!

One of the most comforting sympathy cards I received in February ,after my Dad died, had the saying, "Sometimes you need to wear your sadness like a soft old sweater just because it suits you for now." We got this card from friends I have known since I was a small kid in church. It was such an appropriate choice because we had just buried my Dad in his favorite sweater, the one he even wore on hot Florida days to ward off the coldness  he felt because he was suffering with congestive heart failure.  We could not picture him in a stuffy suit because he was never comfortable with a tie around his neck, what man really is though. His sweater reminded us of soft hugs,  his masculine cologne,  and fun times at the River. I have chosen to wear my sadness and almost a year later I still wear it. When I first put it on it was soaked with tears but I have grown used to the feel and weight of it and find that I know I will wear it always. There will never be a day that I do not feel my Dad with me in some way. He has become a part of me and I feel blessed for that.

I have been able to write some poems to express the sadness of my loss and find it truly healing to put my emotions into words. It releases that knot in my throat and I hope that everyone can find a way that works for them. We all handle grief differently.

A month before my Dad died he was sent to ICU where he had to be intubated and put on a breathing machine. We thought for sure he was leaving us right then and prepared for the worst.  My Dad was in and out of consciousness and would not open his eyes or communicate at first. I found myself staring at him and wishing he would tell me what I could do for him. It was such a helpless feeling, standing there and watching him fade away.  I told him, "penny for your thoughts? and then joked that if he could talk to me I would give him whatever amount he wanted. He could not.  Then the next day the tube was removed and he was unaware anything had happened.  I asked him if he wanted anything and he said all he wanted was a deep breath.  That inspired this poem:

Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures for a deep breath
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures for a while longer
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures for a body of health
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures to be with those I love
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures to see my grandsons grown
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures to stay with my sweetheart
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures to fulfill our dreams
Penny for your thoughts
   pennies, thoughts, body, loved ones,
   all of my earthly treasures I will leave behind.
God is there, my parents are there
   and I will be there too.
And someday we will all see
   the treasures of Heaven. LB 1-26-2010

and also this one:

I am not ready for you to leave
   thought you are fading fast
I am not ready for all of the memories of you
   to be referred to as the past
I am not ready to say good bye
   to the dad I hold so dear
I am not ready to explain to my sons
   why Grandaddy is no longer here.
I am not ready to brush back your hair
   once shiny black and now gray
I am not ready for you to leave
   so down on my knees I pray.
I am not ready to hold your hand
   the hand once so big and strong
I am not ready to kiss your cheek
   one final time to say so long.  LB 1-2010