Lump of Clay

Year 2000, 29 and laying in a darkened hospital room with only the blinking lights to fight with the shadows.  I cannot sit up due to the spinal drain that is in my back to filter out the excess spinal fluid my body is producing. I have confused my brain by having surgery to fix a condition, Arnold Chiari Malformation,  I discovered that I had a year before.
(Chiari Malformation (Arnold-Chiari)  is a serious neurological disorder where the bottom part of the brain, the cerebellum, descends out of the skull and crowds the spinal cord, putting pressure on both the brain and spine and causing many symptoms.)     

Laying there in the dark with the door partially closed I am as alone as I can be in the hospital. My husband and 18 month old child are at home sleeping in their soft comfortable beds. I am feeling as if I am becoming part of the one I lay in. Where does my body end and the bed begin? After a week of being in the bed this is how it feels. In the darkness, I cry and pray and picture myself as a lump of clay in God's hands. My prayer, "Lord make of me what you will. I am at your mercy. I will become whatever you wish me to be." Never in my life had I been at a place so deep and alone. I thought I was alone but I was not.  I was one of the lucky people surrounded with family and friends who did whatever they could to help.  I also knew I was not alone because I felt the presence of something way bigger than me. I was just a lump. Laying there on the white sheets with my wounded head resting on the blood and tear stained pillows. Those pillows provided comfort while I healed.  At times those pillows wrapped around my shoulders became angel's wings holding me in a protective hug. These visual thoughts helped me make it through the difficult days that followed.


Now 40 and unless you were my hair stylist you would never know I had brain surgery. I am healthy and capable. I now have two beautiful children and their Father is my loving Husband who was strong enough to go through all of the challenges right there by my side. Yes, I was strong to make it through the healing process but he was the one who went through it all for us.  I have learned that it is true, what does not kill us makes us stronger. Never easy to see this when you are in the middle of it all.  Our vision is limited to survival at that point.  One day at a time.

I still have those strong visual thoughts to remind me of how blessed I am and that I am never alone. Wings, angels, hands, and clay are symbols I often see to remind me of how strong I am and that prayer is a powerful force.  Anything is possible. God began molding me into a new person and it continues to this day. I am not sure when the project will be complete. I have a long way to go and He is the artist.

Friendship

Some thoughts about the people that we choose in our lives:

I believe that we meet some pretty incredible teachers in our lifetimes.  In the classroom of life our teachers are all around us.  They can be the person standing next to you in line, the friendly person that lends a helping hand, the rude sales clerk, the smiling child covered in sticky goo, the elderly person waiting in the lobby.  They all have something to teach us if we take the time to listen, learn and absorb the lesson of the moment.  

As an adult I have realized that the more responsibility we have the larger the blinders become. We have our own agendas and we focus on the steps to get it done instead of watching the process unfold before and around us. Children do not have these blinders. They see so much that we do not see.  My children have taught me some amazing things. I have to take my blinders off and let the little girl in me out sometimes so that I can see the world on their level and then I can remember the magic.  We all need to do this once in a while.

“Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.”-YODA, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Friendships are great opportunities to grow.  The friends we have known the longest tend to know who we are sometimes better than we know ourselves.  I have friends that I can talk to once every few months and we just pick right up were we left off with no hesitation.  These relationships are a gift but they have to be taken care of as well. Just like an actual gift, if you unwrap it and oooo and ahhh then put it in the closet, it will remain out of reach. You have to nurture your friendships. This becomes complicated with our busy adult lives.  But the benefits of interactions with a real friend are valuable and opportunities to heal and grow. 

“There are people in my life who give me comfort when the going gets tough, as it invariably does. I can count on them for a shoulder to cry on. They will lift me up when I fall, they will hold me in their arms as I cry and tell me everything’s going to be okay. I am so thankful for those people, they are priceless.” –unknown

We’ll be friends until we are old and senile.

  Then we’ll be new friends. –unknown

Our childhood friendships teach us how to have a relationship and step outside of our egocentric selves.  These important friendships can be lifelong or transitional. Some of them can be painful but through the pain we learn what we need and what type of friend we want to be to ourselves and to others.  Like I said, everyone is a teacher.  Some relationships are not good for us and we have to let go of those friends. We can reflect on those friendships and remember the good times because no matter what there are always some good with the bad.  Along with letting go of the relationship we strive to let go of the bad feelings and dysfunction.  Let go and grow.

“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” –unknown

Wear your sadness like a sweater...............warning this is SAD!

One of the most comforting sympathy cards I received in February ,after my Dad died, had the saying, "Sometimes you need to wear your sadness like a soft old sweater just because it suits you for now." We got this card from friends I have known since I was a small kid in church. It was such an appropriate choice because we had just buried my Dad in his favorite sweater, the one he even wore on hot Florida days to ward off the coldness  he felt because he was suffering with congestive heart failure.  We could not picture him in a stuffy suit because he was never comfortable with a tie around his neck, what man really is though. His sweater reminded us of soft hugs,  his masculine cologne,  and fun times at the River. I have chosen to wear my sadness and almost a year later I still wear it. When I first put it on it was soaked with tears but I have grown used to the feel and weight of it and find that I know I will wear it always. There will never be a day that I do not feel my Dad with me in some way. He has become a part of me and I feel blessed for that.

I have been able to write some poems to express the sadness of my loss and find it truly healing to put my emotions into words. It releases that knot in my throat and I hope that everyone can find a way that works for them. We all handle grief differently.

A month before my Dad died he was sent to ICU where he had to be intubated and put on a breathing machine. We thought for sure he was leaving us right then and prepared for the worst.  My Dad was in and out of consciousness and would not open his eyes or communicate at first. I found myself staring at him and wishing he would tell me what I could do for him. It was such a helpless feeling, standing there and watching him fade away.  I told him, "penny for your thoughts? and then joked that if he could talk to me I would give him whatever amount he wanted. He could not.  Then the next day the tube was removed and he was unaware anything had happened.  I asked him if he wanted anything and he said all he wanted was a deep breath.  That inspired this poem:

Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures for a deep breath
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures for a while longer
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures for a body of health
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures to be with those I love
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures to see my grandsons grown
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures to stay with my sweetheart
Penny for your thoughts
   all of my treasures to fulfill our dreams
Penny for your thoughts
   pennies, thoughts, body, loved ones,
   all of my earthly treasures I will leave behind.
God is there, my parents are there
   and I will be there too.
And someday we will all see
   the treasures of Heaven. LB 1-26-2010

and also this one:

I am not ready for you to leave
   thought you are fading fast
I am not ready for all of the memories of you
   to be referred to as the past
I am not ready to say good bye
   to the dad I hold so dear
I am not ready to explain to my sons
   why Grandaddy is no longer here.
I am not ready to brush back your hair
   once shiny black and now gray
I am not ready for you to leave
   so down on my knees I pray.
I am not ready to hold your hand
   the hand once so big and strong
I am not ready to kiss your cheek
   one final time to say so long.  LB 1-2010

Poem: Thirty Five Years Later

Thirty five years later

Sunday night on the road

 the very same road

 traveled many times.

Glow of the dashboard lights

 on the passenger window

Reminds me of childhood

 riding home from visiting Grammy

 at the River.

Bamboo fishing poles, Publix,

 blue flowered couch, crochet hooks,

 starlight mints, red rabbit's foot,

 seafood and comic books.

Laying in my Mom's lap

My tired head on her soft shoulder

The comfort from her warmth

Her loving embrace lulling me

 into a state of stillness.

Quiet glances at my Dad's reflection

 above the lights as he held the wheel

 speaking to his love.

As she answered,

 her words vibrated through my little body.

Their exchanges were loving

 and they became a part of me.

Recollections of study dates

 and melodies that took them back in time

 to their lives before a carful of kids.

My gentle Mom

My strong Dad

His eyes on the road ahead

 making me feel safe and protected.

 the glow

 the darkness

 stars twinkling in the sky

 and the man in the moon.

50s music on the turn dial of the radio

 round air vent aimed to the backseat

 of the station wagon

 dark green with fake wood panels.

Five years old in my winnie pooh footie pajamas

Safest place in the car

 front seat in my Mom's lap

 brothers in the back

 side by side

 like comrades

 on the lookout

 for those red lighted towers

 to us- Batman's secret hideout

 not so secret

But childhood is magical

 we believed

 we imagined

 we dreamed

We were safe, loved and on our way home.

Seems like yesterday

 but now the man above the glow I see in the window

 is my husband

 the boys in the back are my own

 Same stars, same moon.

I am the Mom

Blessed to have a man

 that fills the reflection my Dad left behind.

 Strong, yet gentle.

 Sentimental and focused on the road ahead

No matter where it takes us

 it will be magical.

Laurie Barone 1-11-2011